Many people mourning the loss of a beloved animal companion often mention the profound sadness of coming home to an empty house. They are used to a joyous welcome and instead are met with silence and sorrow.
“This home that Lucy and I loved so much has now become a terrible, dead house,” says Cynthia, grieving for her 16-year-old cat. “We used to love our home, she and I. Maybe you’d think it’s silly, but I used to show her new curtains when I bought them and ask her if she liked them.” Cynthia smiles before tears begin to flow. “Now I feel like I hate my house.”
It’s often said that a cat is the soul of a house and that a home isn’t a home without a dog. If you have other pets, you may not feel this emptiness as intensely. While having other pets doesn’t lessen the pain of losing one, especially if the bond was unique, what I call the “dead house feeling” can be overwhelming when there’s no wagging tail or sauntering feline to greet you at the door.
When you sit at your computer and look down to where your pet used to lie, you are reminded of your solitude. When you go to the kitchen to make coffee, there’s no excited companion hoping for a treat or a snuggle. When you wake up in the morning, there’s no fur to touch, no little being urging you to get up and feed them.
James, mourning his retired greyhound, says, “I wouldn’t tell anyone this. I hope you don’t think I’m crazy. And I hope I’m not crazy. But every day I clean Jasper’s water bowl and put fresh water in it. It’s like I have to. I can’t stand the thought of putting the bowl away or seeing it empty. I fill it, and when I do, I think I feel better for a moment.”
What James is describing is not “crazy.” Many mourning people describe similar behaviors. It’s a self-soothing action. It may not make one feel better, but not doing it would be too painful.
Kendra says, “I have had to euthanize four English Setters over my lifetime. Before this last time, I always had another, younger Setter at home. I see now how much that must have eased my pain. This last time, when I had to let Delilah go, it was the first time I left the vet’s and didn’t have a dog to come home to. Someday—not right away—I’ll have another dog. But I think I’ll stagger them now—always have another, younger one. This pain of having no animal at all is like nothing I’ve ever known. It’s like…maybe this is nutty…it’s like I don’t know what to do with myself. Like, what’s my purpose?” Kendra laughs softly. “Honestly. I have a family; I work from home and love my work. You would think I had a purpose. But I keep wanting to grab Delilah’s leash, and then I remember, she’s not here. It’s such an empty feeling.”
If you are experiencing this “dead house feeling,” know that it is normal. While our animals are with us, we may take their constant company and interest in us for granted. We get used to it and don’t realize how supportive it is until it is gone.
Know that when you are ready, there is no shortage of homeless animals who would be grateful to share your life. Remember that your animal companion only wanted you to be happy, and it is not disloyal to love another pet. Don’t rush it. Grieve and mourn fully. Then heal, and love again.
